On Unintentional Comedy...

Those of you who know me know have heard me refer to the concept of Unintentional Comedy at one time or another. Put very simply, Unintentional Comedy occurs when someone or something is funny without intending to be so. Unintentional Comedy stems from a naivety concerning how one’s actions will be perceived by others. Once you understand Unintentional Comedy, you will experience what Stephen Covey would call a paradigm shift, and your view of the world will bear some resemblance to that of the kid from The Sixth Sense...

“I’m ready to tell you my secret”
“Okay.”
“I see unintentionally funny people.”
“In your dreams?”
“No, walking around, only they don’t know they’re funny.”
“Where do you see them?”
“All around… They’re everywhere!”

The Patron Saint of Unintentional Comedy is a man named Bill Simmons (aka The Sports Guy), a superb sportswriter for ESPN.com, whose column consistently provokes spit takes as I read it. He wrote his treatise on the subject a couple of years ago, and I consider that the definitive work on Unintentional Comedy. What follows here is my take on the subject, an adaptation of Simmons’s theory to the world as I see it.

In the Environmental Engineering class I labored through my junior year of college, the professor, an amiable hippie named Dr. Richard Corsi, taught us that unless one can quantify a system with numbers, one cannot understand the system. To that end, I introduce to you the Unintentional Comedy Rating (UCR), a scale from 0 to 100 wherewith we may measure the level of Unintentional Comedy present in something or someone. Credit for the UCR also goes to Bill Simmons.

We’ll start at 70, and work our way up…

70 – My friend Jeff Turner telling a girl that she made him think of a “potted plant” during a DTR talk… Jeff locking himself in a room and playing the Wallflowers song “One Headlight” repeatedly for two hours until we were able to talk him out… the thought of Jeff heckling Alex Rodriguez when the Yankees visit the Rangers this Saturday… the look on Jeff’s face as we watched Steve Kerr come off the bench in Game 6 of the 2003 Western Conference Finals and bury the Mavericks in Disney-movie fashion (still my favorite sports memory. Ever.).

71 – The time I went to Double Dave’s during college for their “25-cent Peproni Rolls and Beer” promotion, was highly encouraged upon seeing a large Shiner truck in front, and was subsequently discouraged to discover that the only beer they were selling for twenty-five cents was Lone Star.

72 – Pummelos… Salsas with profanity or allusions to “Hell” or the Devil on them… Marble Ryes… Chocolate Laxative… 99-cent knockoffs of designer fragrances… Michelob Black and Tan in a can.

73 – David Arquette winning the heart of Courtney Cox… Ashton Kutcher winning the heart of Demi Moore… Lyle Lovett winning the heart of Julia Roberts (How did this happen? Lyle is still convinced that Julia got the better end of the deal, if you listen to his Live in Texas album. Most impressive feat by an Aggie. Ever.).

74 – Kevin Garnett telling the sideline reporter “Thanks, Dog!” after a post-game interview… Patrick Ewing saying “We make a lot of money, but we spend a lot of money!” during the 1998 NBA Strike… Derek Bell threatening to implement “Operation Shutdown” if he didn’t get the money he wanted from the Pittsburg Pirates, a year after batting .194 (or thereabouts)... Mark Madsen’s celebratory dance at the LA Lakers victory celebrations… Any post-game interview with Shaq… Bobby Knight's halftime speech where he used bathroom tissue as a prop... John Starks wearing a shirt that said “You miss 100% of the shots you don’t take” to practice the day after shooting 1 for 17 in the NBA Finals… John Starks, Ron Artest, or anyone else giving the crowd the “We’re # 1!” salute.

75 – Leslie Cochran, homeless transvestite and runner-up in Austin mayoral election… the statues on top of the Metropolitan theater in South Austin… The George Washington statue at UT if viewed from the wrong angle… Local politicians with names like Jack Stick, Will Wynn, and Brewster McCracken… the local carpetbagger news anchor who referred to a local freeway as “the Mopac”… The Midnight Taco van... Matthew McCounaghey’s incident with the bongo drums.

76 – The $2.99 “I’ll consume ANYTHING as long as I can consume as much of it as I want for $2.99” Special at Cici’s… The $4.25 lunch special at Mexico Lindo... Asking if they have anything “healthy” at Denny’s… The Lu Ann Platter at Luby’s… The “one free refill” on hot chocolate at Kerbey Lane… The TMJ-inducing “Slacker” sandwich at Central Market… The lady in West Austin who evicted The Holiday House because she was a militant vegetarian… Hummus… Mr. Natural... The “Big Daddy Beef Rib Platter” at County line.

77 – Hulk Hogan wrestling on the north side of 50… X-Pac and the “Stick and Pivot”… Anytime the Rock uses one of his wrestling moves in one of his movies… Vince McMahon as the best bad actor in history… Rick Flair’s “puppies”… Kurt Angle’s introduction… Triple-H’s (extremely long) introduction… Jim Ross going “NO! DAMMIT! DAMMIT! DAMMIT!” at the end of a pay-per-view that ends with the bad guy on top… Watching my friend Tommy’s son Dylan get excited when Booker T enters, yelling “Can dig it, suhggaaahhh!”

78 – The deer-in-the-headlights look on Phil Mickelson’s face whenever he knew another Major Championship was slipping away… The stupid grin on Phil Mickelson’s face when he realized he might actually win a Major Championship during the last few holes of this year’s Masters… Phil Mickelson’s celebratory “jump” after winning the Masters… Phil Mickelson telling Hootie Johnson “You’re going to see my mug here every year!” right before putting on the Green Jacket.

79 – My friend Ryan Kiblinger consuming 20+ pats of butter at County Line one night to win a free meal from my friend Chris… Coming home one night and finding Ryan smoking pipe tobacco out of a homemade bong… Ryan calling the Civil War “The War of Northern Aggression”… Ryan’s singularly impressive performance of Aggie-hatred at the 2000 Texas-Texas A&M game… The period where Ryan was dating an Aggie… Seeing Ryan in front of a bowl of beans.

80 – Men driving minivans, New Beetles, Saturn coupes, or scooters… Tiger Woods driving a Buick… The Yellow Suzuki Aerio Wagon Tommy and I took to the 2003 Final Four… Anyone driving a Pontiac Aztek, a Honda Element, an El Camino, or a Dodge Stratus.

81 – Foreigners trying to curse in English, but not quite getting it right…the edited-for-TV version of Major League, which features Corbin Bernsen telling Charlie Sheen to “Strike this… guy out!”… The edited-for-TV version of Above the Rim, which features Tupac Shakur telling another guy to “Punk this motherlover up!”… My Russian friend Yura, who came to live with me last summer, telling my friend Eric Vogler “What? This is America!” when he found out that Eric had no internet access… The experience of taking Yura to Hooters before he left.

82 – That Lamesa, the town Eric hails from, had a parade the day their McDonald’s opened, with Ronald McDonald as the Grand Marshal… The time Eric told a woman from South Carolina that he couldn’t understand why they continued to vote for Strom Thurmond, only to find out that the woman was Strom’s goddaughter… the time Eric told his roommate’s father that “Caterpillars are white-trash tractors”, only to find out that his roommate’s father was a district rep for the Caterpillar company… New Year’s Eve 1999, where I took Eric’s picture with Leslie, but he was so drunk that he forgot it happened.

83 – Christopher Walken in anything… Gary Busey in anything… John Travolta in Broken Arrow… Dennis Weaver in Duel… Ashton Kutcher in the trailer for The Butterfly Effect… the dusters in Tombstone… Denise Richards in The World is Not Enough… The stormtrooper who bumps his head in Star Wars… Revolutionary War Bias in Star Wars, the NIV Bible on CD that I have in my car, and Mel Gibson’s The Patriot… Steven Seagal’s exit scene in Executive Decision… Con Air… Sean Astin in Toy Soldiers… The motorcycle stunts in movies like Torque… Jack Black in his earlier movies where he ends up dying within 5 minutes of appearing on screen… Paul Hogan, Australian film superstar… Paul Hogan, the butler on Joe Millionaire.

84 – Geoff Moore and the Distance… The fact that Petra has more “Greatest Hits” albums out than actual albums of original material… Anything from Petra featuring Greg X. Volz… Michael W. Smith album covers that resemble something out of “Tiger Beat”, even as Smitty himself pushes 40… The “Heaven and Hell” concert tour in the 80’s, featuring Motley Crue and Stryper.

85 – James Van Der Beek on Dawson’s Creek… The three-name guy who plays the poor bastard son on One Tree Hill… Freddie Prinze Jr. in anything (like a Keanu-in-waiting)… The careers of the Saved by the Bell alums, the high points of which are… Zack Morris in any of the 15 cancelled series he appeared in on the WB… Slater on The Other Half with Danny Bonaduce and Dick Clark… Jesse Spano in anything (haven’t seen Showgirls, don’t plan to)… Screech on Celebrity Boxing… Kelly Kapowski in that McDonald’s commercial with her nephew and Fastlane… Can’t remember Lisa Turtle in anything…

86 – The “overtones” in Top Gun… The upcoming Siegfried and Roy animated series… Trying to imagine the guy who designed the interior décor at Chipotle… That Cujo guy on Entertainment Tonight… Chris O’Donnell as Robin… Orlando Bloom as Legolas… Boy Bands… Cher.

87 - The Victoria’s Secret advertising campaign featuring Bob Dylan with the Vincent Price moustache… Sting… Meat Loaf… Rod Stewart… Snoop Dogg… Puff Daddy’s Remix of “Roxanne”…That time Eminem walked to the stage with those fifty look-alikes at the MTV awards show… How every song by Aerosmith sounds the same… How every song by Jackson Browne sounds the same… Neil Young’s introduction for Bruce Springsteen before Springsteen was inducted into the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame… The recent cover of Rolling Stone featuring Keef Richards... Watching Dolly Parton try to position her body to play a guitar on Austin City Limits… Bruce Willis, blues musician.

88 – The time I walked into the house a couple of years ago and asserted that I was in “phenomenal shape” to Eric… The time I got winded climbing Guadalupe Peak because I ate a half container of Whoppers prior to the climb… The time I had Bell’s Palsy, and Jeff convinced me to make the “Rambo face”… My performance of “Billie Jean” at a Karaoke Bar in Russia… My recent obsession with the word “crunk”… My “Jalapeno” incident at Salt Lick, which unfortunately was captured on tape… My love life… I could go on here, but y’all can probably make a better list here than me, so I’ll move on…

89 - Howard Dean’s Iowa concession speech… Al Gore since the 2000 election, from the full beard to his endorsement of Dean… John Ashcroft singing “Fly High, like the Eagle soars…”… Deaniacs… Jesse “The Body” Ventura informing everyone that he wanted to be known as “The Mind” after being elected Governor of Minnesota… Clayton Williams, proud Fightin’ Texas Aggie, blowing a 15-point lead to Ann Richards in the 1990 Texas Governor Election… the tape that shows Rick Perry, proud Fightin’ Texas Aggie and Governor of Texas, asking the state trooper to “let us get on down the road.”

90 – Anything Bill Clinton said publicly during the year of the Monica Lewinsky scandal, especially his “I…did…not…have…sexual…relations…with…that…woman” speech and his “Ms. Lewinsky and I had an improper relationship…in fact, it was wrong” speech… Anything that Bill Clinton says now, no matter how intelligent, in light of everything he said then… Seeing Bill Clinton near any woman, including Hillary.

91 – The videos featuring bestselling author Stephen Covey from the 7 Habits of Highly Effective People seminar… Anytime a situation or person in an office echoes the movie Office Space. (This happens more often than you think…).

92 – The battle scene in Commando where Ah-nuld kills 100 people, impaling the last bad guy by throwing a steel pipe at him… Ah-nuld as Mr. Freeze in Batman and Robin… Ah-nuld wrestling with the Devil in End of Days… Ah-nuld using his movie quotes in his campaign for Governor of Cah-leh-fawn-eh-ya… Ah-nuld ACTUALLY BEING ELECTED as the Governor of Cah-leh-fawn-eh-ya.

93 – Stallone military-pressing a guy into a stalactite in Cliffhanger… Stallone’s aviator sunglasses in Cobra… Stallone’s speech to the Russians at the end of Rocky IV… Stallone fighting Brian Dennehy in the Tombstone duster at the end of Rambo… Stallone shooting up the command post at the end of Rambo II… Stallone setting himself on fire to cauterize a wound in Rocky III… The scene in Demolition Man alluding to Ah-nuld as President.

94 – Back hair… The guy at the gym who sits in the corner doing curls for hours, looking at himself in the mirror as he does it… Burt Reynolds’s moustache… Taupes… Johnny Damon’s Caveman/Passion of the Christ look… Ricky Williams with his dreads cut off… The Engineer’s belly (a pot belly on an otherwise skinny engineer)… The fact that all men are proud of and fascinated by their bodies, regardless of whether they have reason to be.

95 – Walker, Texas Ranger. I will devote a whole blog entry to this someday…

96 – The Mack Brown press conference after his annual loss to Oklahoma… Any tape showing Mack Brown clapping… Anytime the Greg Davis offense runs a three yard out, a tunnel screen, or an end around out of a 5-wide set… Major Applewhite regularly audibling out of Greg Davis’s plays to obviously throw deep instead, then completing the pass… The three Mississippi State players lying hurt on the Cotton Bowl turf after Ricky Williams’s last run at Texas… James Brown refusing to let a Nebraska player help him up in the 1996 Big 12 Championship… The riots on the Drag that transpired each time we beat Nebraska… Watching the 1998 Longhorn-Aggie game and hearing Brent Musburger refer to Major Applewhite as “The Major”… Bill Little Commentary... Craig Way’s call on the Longhorns winning the 2002 College World Series – “Light the Tower Orange…”

97 – The love scene in the car from Titanic… The “artfully done” love scene in the original Shaft… Samuel L. Jackson saying “It’s my duty to please that booty” in the new Shaft… The climactic (and utterly chemistry-lacking) kiss between Russell Crowe and Meg Ryan in Proof of Life… Al Gore kissing Tipper at the 2000 Democratic Convention… Princess Leia kissing Luke Skywalker in The Empire Strikes Back… Any scenes in a Clint Eastwood movie featuring Sandra Locke.

98 – Watching the episode of the ESPN show Sidelines where the entire half-hour records Aggies speaking of their burning desire to beat Texas, knowing that Texas ended up winning the game handily… Aggie redshirt freshman linebacker Tate Pittman… Aggie Football and Basketball in 2003-2004 – 11 wins, 10 arrests… The fact that someone succeeded in kidnapping Reveille, the Aggie’s collie mascot (Possibly the greatest achievement in Prank History, Ever, and pulled off by a Longhorn)…The scoreboard Texas A&M constructed so that all their dead mascots can keep tabs of the game… The reaction of people who have encountered the Aggie Cult for the first time… Fox Sports commentator and well-compensated ex-Aggie running back Greg Hill commenting that the Aggies “have to fire Francione” after their 77-0 loss to Oklahoma, where the Sooners began kneeling the ball in the 3rd quarter… The Aggie radio commentators beginning their coverage of the 2nd half of said game with “Well, we’re down forty-nine to nothing, but we beat the hell out of halftime!” (I couldn’t make this up…)

99 – Mullets (and Bill Simmons agrees with me here). This is a flat number automatically assigned to all mullets, similar to the Standard Deduction on the 1040.

Perfect 100 – Luke Skywalker screeching “It’s not true… It’s impossible… You’re not my father!” in The Empire Strikes Back… The scene in Double Team where Jean-Claude Van Damme is falling toward the ground and Dennis Rodman saves him with a parachute-ball in the shape of… you guessed it… a BASKETBALL!... The “Give Me A Phat Beat!” intro video at Texas Football games… Houston’s own Marvin Zindler … Keanu Reeves in the scene where Trinity dies in The Matrix Revolutions … Magic Johnson’s talk show, The Magic Hour… The opening musical sequence of Walker, Texas Ranger, where Chuck Norris stands as a god-like figure over the city of Dallas wearing a Tombstone duster, a shotgun, and his facial expression, featuring the vocal talents of… Chuck Norris!

The following three outliers shattered the UCR as we know it, and to assign them a number would therefore make a mockery of the scale:

Outliers – American Olympian Timothy Goebel performing a routine to the Village People’s “In the Navy” dressed in a sailor suit at the ice skating show I took my mother to last year…1980’s Russian comic Yakov Smirnoff ending his show in Branson with an irony-free number where he waltzes with THE STATUE OF LIBERTY to the tune of a love song he wrote to THE STATUE OF LIBERTY! (My friend Jacob was laughing so hard that he almost suffocated, which would have been a shame, since his wedding was the next day. I can see the headline now – LOCAL MAN DIES LAUGHING AT YAKOV SMIRNOFF SHOW ON DAY BEFORE WEDDING…)…Jump5 – the group of 5 Christian preteen gymnasts/singers. See the WOW2003 DVD to find out what I mean – no words can do this justice.

One last word – you may notice that I didn’t include much from reality-based television, a strange choice considering that all reality-based television is based completely on the potential for Unintentional Comedy. I guess I don’t find it all that funny for the most part (watch two episodes of any reality TV show, and you’ll have it figured out). Also, reality-based television falls into the category of Intentional Unintentional Comedy, which means the potential for it to be truly funny diminishes.

That’s it. If you have instances of Unintentional Comedy that you feel I missed, submit them to me at hatahdogg@yahoo.com, or add them at the Comment section under this post, and there’s a good chance I may mention them and you in the Nateblogg.