Conspiracy Theories

Yesterday, Ralph, our resident conspiracy theorist at work, sent out an email containing pictures he took of jet trails in the sky over Austin at dusk. He contended in the email that some of the jet trails in the picture displayed abnormal properties, and were actually chemtrails, or vapors released from a plane as part of a biological weapon experiment on the American civilian population by the military-industrial complex. This is the latest in a long line of such theories that Ralph has shared with us, most of them centered on the notion that 9/11 was an inside job.

Personally, I see these theories as kooky fantasies pushed by a lunatic fringe with a vested financial interest in selling their theories to those who tired of looking for the man on the grassy knoll, but I can't fault Ralph that much for believing so strongly in these ideas (Even if it takes all of 7 seconds on Google to find information that definitively debunks them). You see, I have my own conspiracy theories systematically developed over many years to explain the world. They make for great dinner conversation, and when the truth is known, I know they will withstand the highest scrutiny. Perhaps I should share a few of them with you...

Armadillos do not exist. You may ask, "How can this be true when dead armadillos are as common as mailboxes on Texas roads?" I believe that armadillos do not exist for two reasons. First, the dead armadillos you think you see are in fact a combination of deer meat and pebbled vinyl. They are planted there by the Texas Department of Transportation as part of a program that controls deer population, feeds buzzards in rural areas, and creates a state icon as compelling as the Loch Ness Monster. Also, if you've ever seen a "live" armadillo scurry through your campsite, you just know that they must be animatronic robots, because no living creature could possibly be that stupid.

Delaware doesn't exist. In my travels, I have met thousands of people from virtually everywhere - Nigeria, Brasil, Finland, Wyoming, and even Lamesa. The one place I have never met anyone from is Delaware. There is a good reason for this - there is no state of Delaware. The history books will tell you that Delaware does exist, and that Delaware of all the states first ratified the Constitution in December of 1787. What that tells me is that our Founding Fathers, many of whom were part of clandestine societies like the Skull and Bones, created "Delaware" for some secret purpose.

What might this secret purpose be? Look at your credit card bill. No matter what kind of card it is, chances are you send your payments to Wilmington, Delaware. I think the Founding Fathers created "Delaware" as a sort of secret financial clearinghouse for the country, perhaps to save on interest payments to the Dutch. Consequently, a class of elites pocketed the profits, and continued to expand their power base. "Delaware" initially resided in a red-brick row house in Philadelphia, and through the next two hundred years moved from city to city. Today, "Delaware" is most likely an enormous warehouse (like one of those Wal-Mart distribution centers) full of computers and situated somewhere near the New Jersey Turnpike. In the future, I'm guessing they move "Delaware" to India to save on overhead.

Starbucks laces their coffee with cocaine. How else can you explain the instant high you obtain from a Venti Nonfat Irish Creme Latte, and that tens of millions of Americans habitually spend $5 for a cup of this coffee everyday?

The Cheesecake Factory Law - This law states that if a restaurant appoints its interior with dark wood paneling and dim light, their prices will be at least double what they would be otherwise. We thought this one up as we were celebrating Larry's birthday at Capitol Brasserie last night. I name it in honor of the Cheesecake Factory for its exorbitant prices and mediocre food. I consider this one a "Law" because I think it's ironclad.

Fry's Electronics models their stores after Casinos. You walk in. No windows. No clocks. Bright, shiny things capture your attention and beguile you to spend your money. You can easily get lost roaming the aisles, and lose any concept of budget to a sense of spatial disorientation. By the time you walk the "Gauntlet of Crap", you will have dropped way more jack than you intended. I wonder how much of the stock in Fry's is held by Harrah's...

There are no unattractive Scandanavians. On the way back from my last Russia trip, we stopped off in Stockholm for the night. I fell in love with the city - clean canals, good food, great climate, impeccable architecture. What struck me most was the fact that all of the people, whether children, middle aged couples, or older women, were really attractive. No one was overweight, and they all had nice skin and sweet faces. It was uncanny, as if the IKEA aesthetic had been applied to the Swedish people too. This theory also applies to the many Finnish people I met in Russia. I don't know if it has anything to do with universal health care, rich grainy breads, or extremely high taxes, but I would love to know why this is so.

By the way, this is what I looked like as I walked the streets of Stockholm:



It would make for a nice Christmas card, no?

The Truth of Roswell. The Roswell "Alien" landing and subsequent cover-up is the granddaddy of all conspiracy theories. It spawned a culture of Spielberg movies about aliens and the better years of the X-Files. However, the truth about the mysterious incident has never been revealed...

...Until now. The alien landing was an elaborate hoax by the Roswell Chamber of Commerce to manufacture a tourism industry. Otherwise, what other reason would there possibly be to go to Roswell? Fifty-nine years later, the Roswell brand name is so well-established that gullible people (like my dad) will eschew time in gorgeous places like Taos or Santa Fe to drag their wives into the middle of the desert to visit "UFOlogists" and buy kitschy alien "merchandise" on their vacations. The periodic (and accurate) government denials of the incident only add to the Roswell Mystique - everyone is convinced that the government is hiding something. No one wonders if the people who are really hiding something are the merchants profiting from the whole thing. As Deep Throat said, "Follow the money."

That's all I've got for today. Try to go easy on that Starbucks...